This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I am ending EmsCharityKiss.
One of my good friends asked me if I could say that it was still as positive and empowering experience as it was in the beginning, and the way I have been feeling I can’t honestly say that it is anymore.
For something that has been so difficult, and sometimes so stressful, I don’t regret one moment of it. I have been able to look my illness in the eye for the first time, and have been given a voice to stand up and say “This is who I am, I’m not ashamed”. While I falter and still give in to the negative voices, I am much more at peace with my depression than I ever was before, and I have this project, and you all to thank for that.
Thank you to everyone for the kind words, encouragement, donations, advice, assistance, shoulders to cry on and love and positive vibes. Even thank you for the more negative comments, because they made me stand up for myself and put conviction in what I was doing.
Although things didn’t turn out the way I envisioned, I am still proud that I did it and that I kept at it. I’m sad that Robert Pattinson couldn’t be involved, but one thing I’m going to try to remember is that it in no way means that he was too good to be involved. It isn’t a reflection on me, or the cause. He’s just astronomically popular, very inaccessible and besides all of that he is a young man, who may, in the end, have decided he didn’t want to be involved anyway. I knew that going into EmsCharityKiss, and that hasn’t changed.
There are a few things I would love for you all to do for me.
Never be ashamed of who you are. You are unique, there is not another soul on this earth who is the same as you. Everyone has a different path through life – some walk the straight and narrow, others meander through the scenic route. That’s what makes life so interesting – because everyone has a different way through it. Yours is no more or less important than the next person’s.
You are not the sum of your illness. If you are ill, it is a part of you but it is most definitely not all of you. Fight, kick, punch and rally against being swallowed up by it. At the same time, recognise that it is a part of you and that the experiences you have, good and bad, make you into the person you are today.
Never feel alone. Depression and mental illness make you feel isolated, like you’re drowning in darkness and no one can see you. The one thing I am most grateful to EmsCharityKiss for is the fact that it opened my eyes to exactly how many people go through the same thing. There are so many resources – websites, organisations but most importantly wonderful, open people – that you can find if you really look. Many people discredit social media, but if it wasn’t for Twitter and Facebook etc, I would never have found these resources, and I will defend that until I’m blue in the face.
Never settle for anything less than the most vivid, imaginative, wonderful thing you can possibly dream of for yourself. People will tell you that life is all ‘get up, go to work, keep your head down, pay your taxes’ etc etc. But beauty and soul and life and happiness can be found in all things, and you can have a rich, colourful, whimsical life. Even if it’s as silly as falling for a celebrity, or loving a television show, or travelling the world, or joining a dance class. I always talk about wanting a life as colourful and rich as an episode of Pushing Daisies. The main character had a pie shop shaped like a pie. It always reminded me of a fairytale. If you want a shop shaped like a pie, go and get one. Don’t ever settle for anything less.
Thank you so much again, for everything. I hope I can still maintain the friendships I have gained along the way.
Sincerely,
Megan (Em)
I’ve been playing around with these for a little while, and I think they look cute :)
It’s horrible how conditioned young women are to hate themselves.
I was fortunate enough to grow up with a supportive family and amazing friends, and yet I still harbour this monster inside me who has a list a mile wide of things I should hate about myself.
Even know, I find myself thinking – if EmsCharityKiss were to work out, I would have to starve myself because I would hate for Robert Pattinson to see me as I am now. How awful is that? To completely negate the effort it took to get such a wonderful project off the ground, to negate the catharsis of sharing a lifetimes worth of struggle, just because the number on my jeans seems to somehow make me a lesser person in the eyes of society.
I’m more sensitive to this now, because I have a beautiful 10 month-old niece. I never want her to grow up thinking that her body is her enemy. I want her to see it as a house for her heart and her mind, a beautiful machine that lets her think and feel and act and live. Not a prison, not a nemesis. Not a means of holding her back from everything she dreams of.
Where do we lose that ability to find wonderment in everything, ourselves included?
I feel like the girl in a John Hughes movie – the one who doesn’t wear the right things, say the right things. Comes from the wrong side of the tracks. Isn’t cute or popular. Aiming for attention from the most popular boy around.
I’m too quiet, I don’t like confrontation. I get anxious, I have depression. I’m big, I hate how I look.
I try too hard to get people to like me, because I don’t like myself. I get upset thinking that my voice is lost in a sea of others (especially on Twitter, for some reason)
I’m all of those things- but I had this idea. This idea that people think is silly, impossible, foolish. Most of all impossible.
I’m all of those things above but I can also be stubborn, brave, honest and genuine. It took a lot of strength to stand up and say “You know what, this is me.” It took more strength than I think anyone can realise.
So I’m the girl in the John Hughes movie. But this isn’t a movie, and Robert Pattinson isn’t going to come in and share a birthday cake sitting on top of a table after a tragic family wedding and an underpant-stealing geek (ten points for the Sixteen Candles reference)
I just want him to know. That for whatever reason, I found him a source of strength to stand up and fight for a bigger issue than him, than me.
Thanks to some amazing work by Rana Kelly and Ellin Galadh on Facebook, the EmsCharityKiss blog has had a surge of visitors. I just wanted to say hello, and thank you all for caring enough to take a look at the project.
I have been meaning to make a new video, but everytime I go to do it I get horribly self concious. I really dislike how I’m looking at the moment, and despite how superficial that may sound (and I know it sounds horribly shallow) it’s stopping me from doing a video. But I am determined that it will happen in the next couple of days.
I’m also thinking of adding a page where people can write messages / share stories of their own illnesses. It would be anonymous of course, but what does everyone think of that idea?
It’s still been frustrating trying to get publicity for the project, and Robert Pattinson is getting harder and harder to contact. But we will get there, I’m determined that he should at least know about what he helped inspire, and that he was part of a much bigger, broader picture.
Thank you again <3 <3
Em x
“How do you find your way back in the dark?”
There’s something so incredibly moving about the fact that those were the last words Marilyn Monroe ever said on film (The Misfits, 1961). It’s beautiful and sad and moving, all at the same time.
Slowly picking myself back up.
I wanted to forget all about everything but you can’t do that. And the idea of EmsCharityKiss wouldn’t leave me alone. I kept receiving these amazing emails from people, sharing encouragement and their own stories. For whatever reason, this engaged with people on a personal level and that’s really important.
I believe in what I’m doing, so I’m going to keep going.
I’m so ashamed, I’ve just let everything get to me.
I feel like a shell. I have zero confidence in my ability to even go forward with anything, let alone something as monumentous as emscharitykiss.
I’ve had lovely people helping me, and tons of support. But maybe I was the wrong girl for it all along? Maybe if it had been someone else it would have worked out better?
I’ve been scared to update on here, scared to check my follower list. I saw people unfollowing me and wanted to cry and hide again, because it’s easier to ignore it than face the fact that I let it all get to me.
I haven’t even kept up with what Robert Pattinson has been up to. I heard about @theEllenShow thing with the fan called Megan from Melbourne, and that made me feel sad and sorry for myself. At this point though, I feel so shit that even if he turned around and said “Yes, I’ll do it” I don’t even think I could.
As far as depression and mental illness goes – I live with these issues every day. They have been and are always the focus. I can’t escape it. Things now are pretty low, and I know I tend to say that a lot. But now I really feel like the lingering drive in me to prove people wrong has just fizzled out.
I don’t know what to do. It obviously takes a braver person than I to stick to something like this.
Someone I knew all of my life is suddenly gone, and this grief feels inescapable.
It’s echoing through the walls of the house, and hanging over everyone like a dust cloud.
I’m here but not here.
I’ve been wrestling alot with myself lately.
The truth is, I haven’t been doing very well at all. I’ve become withdrawn, and I’ve hardly been online to update much and I’m very sorry for that.
I really don’t know what else to do. I know that to go forward from here with EmsCharityKiss I need to be a lot more organised and determined than I have been before. This seems to get harder every day rather than easier.
This is what depression is. It isn’t glamorous, it isn’t a fad for celebrity. Depression is regretting waking up in the morning. Depression is wanting to stay in bed all day. Being anxious about looking on Facebook to see what other people are up to. Thinking that everyone seems so busy and productive compared to you. Thinking that you are a waste of space and time.
I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.
But I’m still here.
