So, I managed to do the very thing I’ve been trying so hard not to.
I thought about quitting when it got too hard.
A couple of weeks ago I had someone question what I was doing. That’s fair enough – there are a lot of people who haven’t agreed with it, and there’s always going to be more. But this person seemed to be critical of me as a person, and I wasn’t so prepared for that. I was so full of bravado thinking I could take on criticism of the project only to completely crumble when someone criticised me.
Because of how I feel about myself, whenever someone questions / criticises me I tend to start second guessing myself. I’m not one of those who are unapologetically themselves; the ones who say “This is me, like it or lump it.” I wish I was. It would make things so much easier. Instead, I started thinking “what if this person is right?”
But they’re not right. I know what I’m doing in my heart – I know my intentions are pure and I also know that I have nothing but the utmost respect for both my cause and Robert Pattinson. His participation in this is entirely up to him. He’s part of this whether he does involve himself or not – he was the light that attracted attention to the cause, and I’m grateful for that.
I wish this person hadn’t made me feel bad about myself, but then again I guess they didn’t? It was me, regressing to that part of myself that readily accepts criticism. Why are we so quick to negate ourselves? I’m an important person to the people in my life. I don’t know this person, and she doesn’t know me. So why was I so quick to agree with her when the people in my life were telling me that what she was saying wasn’t true?
I feel so defeated.
“So I have a charity idea.”
“Oh that’s good! What is it?”
“Raising money and awareness for depression.”
“Oh, that’s a good cause! How are you going to do that?”
“Talk about my experiences….and ask Robert Pattinson to give me my first kiss at age 28.”
This is about the time when the conversation can go either way. The person will either break into a smile or break out the pity-party hats. I don’t fault anyone for any response – I’m so very grateful for all the support and kind words, but at the same time I do understand that my project is a bit left-field. And thanks to the Twilight phenomenon, people are wary when you say you’re a fan of Robert Pattinson. You want to kiss him? Join the screaming queue to your left, please.
I know that I can’t possibly make everyone understand what I’m doing and what my intentions are. But despite that I feel like I have to keep explaining myself when the question comes up. I guess it comes from being sensitive – not liking confrontation, wanting to smooth things over and sort things out. I know that in choosing him, I’ve chosen someone so high profile that it is naturally going to come under intense scrutiny.
This may seem like a silly idea, but (despite the negative feelings I have about myself) I know that I am not a silly person.
Robert Pattinson took part in George Clooney’s Hope For Haiti Telethon today.
From London, he spoke of the tragedy of the plight of the victims, as well as the part technology is increasingly playing in both rescue and rehibilitation efforts during and after natural disasters.
It was cool to hear him talking about that -- it’s true that social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook have meant that people are connected to each other on a scale unheard of before. From personal experience, since starting EmsCharityKiss I’ve ‘met’ so many inspiring people and been able to learn about many different charities and causes.
I just found it a very positive thing to see him become a part of it all. It was such a worthwhile cause and showed him to obviously be very giving. And I thought he spoke very well!
You can still donate to help Heal Haiti. Visit HopeForHaitiNow.org to pledge your support. This site is open to both US and International donors.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the plight in Haiti. It truly is one of the most devastating disasters of our time.
I haven’t wanted to push EmsCharityKiss as much during this time because I feel that as a global community we have a lot of power to help those in desperate need. Please visit yele.org to learn more about the situation in Haiti in light of the earthquake disaster, and about how you can help.
However, as most world-defining events do, it’s also given me pause and made me thinking about my own circumstances.
I wish I could explain how I was feeling in a way that when you read it you would say “Ohh.. I know that feeling.”
It’s the square-peg-in-a-round-hole feeling. The feeling of everything and nothing. The feeling of not having a place to belong.
I just spoke to one of my dearest, closest friends on the phone and I was so nervous. She needed me to say confident, comforting things and I was a bundle of anxiety and nerves. We hadn’t spoken on the phone for awhile, and I felt like I was talking with a mouth full of molasses.
Depression is something I can pinpoint – something I can rail against and hate and try to understand. This feeling…I don’t even know what it is.
People say “you’re so brave doing this” but I feel about the furthest from brave a person can be. I feel like I did when I started this all those months ago.
I can see that positive things have happened since I started EmsCharityKiss. I know that I have been able to reach out to people in a way that I didn’t before. I’ve raised money and awareness and I’ve met so many wonderful, inspiring people. I wouldn’t change any of that.
So why do I feel the way I do now? Even sitting here writing this I’m anxious about how it will be received. Even though this is supposed to be a warts-and-all account of my journey through the project and my depression, is it tiring to hear about it after awhile? I really wish I had some good news for you.
Enough is such a final word.
I’ve had enough.
This has gone far enough.
I didn’t do enough.
I’ll never be enough.
I’m not good enough.
Enough is enough.
….where all my positivity went?
I started out 2010 thinking that it was going to be amazing, so why am I so ready to throw in the towel and call shenanigans after only 7 days?? Why am I so willing to let myself stumble at the first hurdle?
I’m not normally an impatient person but apparently about some things (like EmsCharityKiss) I am.
I think I have a lot on my mind and that’s adding to my anxiety. I’m trying to apply for a Master of Arts (Writing) course and I have come to the age-old dilemma of whether or not to disclose the extent of my depression. Are you supposed to be upfront about it from the outset? Or do you wait and then if and when you start to struggle you ask for help?
* That I’m human, things are going to get to me. Whether this is big things, little things, important things, trivial things.
* That EmsCharityKiss was always going to be something that takes time.
* That I should not be so hard on myself if my positivity seems to fluctuate. Yes, 2010 is going to be a good year, and just because I feel a little bit off now doesn’t necessitate abandoning my good feelings for the rest of the year
* That I have made a difference already
* That I have support
* That I may feel invisible, but this doesn’t necessarily mean I am invisible, and that my message isn’t being heard
* That I must always try to remain respectful; to the people who are following my journey, to OneInFive, to my cause, to Robert Pattinson
* That at the heart of my project is a young woman who needs to take care of herself too
The ever inspiring JulesyParker has posted a blog article on Beautiful You regarding a new issue of High Fashion magazine V featuring plus-size models. Because I have issues with self esteem and some experience regarding eating disorders etc, these sorts of issues are very personal to me.
Below is an image of from the editorial – how absolutely stunning is this woman?!
From 'V' Magazine, January 2010
It just goes to show that not only is True Beauty everywhere, but that it may be finally appreciated by those who were once unable (or unwilling) to see it.
