It’s horrible how conditioned young women are to hate themselves.
I was fortunate enough to grow up with a supportive family and amazing friends, and yet I still harbour this monster inside me who has a list a mile wide of things I should hate about myself.
Even know, I find myself thinking – if EmsCharityKiss were to work out, I would have to starve myself because I would hate for Robert Pattinson to see me as I am now. How awful is that? To completely negate the effort it took to get such a wonderful project off the ground, to negate the catharsis of sharing a lifetimes worth of struggle, just because the number on my jeans seems to somehow make me a lesser person in the eyes of society.
I’m more sensitive to this now, because I have a beautiful 10 month-old niece. I never want her to grow up thinking that her body is her enemy. I want her to see it as a house for her heart and her mind, a beautiful machine that lets her think and feel and act and live. Not a prison, not a nemesis. Not a means of holding her back from everything she dreams of.
Where do we lose that ability to find wonderment in everything, ourselves included?
I feel like the girl in a John Hughes movie – the one who doesn’t wear the right things, say the right things. Comes from the wrong side of the tracks. Isn’t cute or popular. Aiming for attention from the most popular boy around.
I’m too quiet, I don’t like confrontation. I get anxious, I have depression. I’m big, I hate how I look.
I try too hard to get people to like me, because I don’t like myself. I get upset thinking that my voice is lost in a sea of others (especially on Twitter, for some reason)
I’m all of those things- but I had this idea. This idea that people think is silly, impossible, foolish. Most of all impossible.
I’m all of those things above but I can also be stubborn, brave, honest and genuine. It took a lot of strength to stand up and say “You know what, this is me.” It took more strength than I think anyone can realise.
So I’m the girl in the John Hughes movie. But this isn’t a movie, and Robert Pattinson isn’t going to come in and share a birthday cake sitting on top of a table after a tragic family wedding and an underpant-stealing geek (ten points for the Sixteen Candles reference)
I just want him to know. That for whatever reason, I found him a source of strength to stand up and fight for a bigger issue than him, than me.
Thanks to some amazing work by Rana Kelly and Ellin Galadh on Facebook, the EmsCharityKiss blog has had a surge of visitors. I just wanted to say hello, and thank you all for caring enough to take a look at the project.
I have been meaning to make a new video, but everytime I go to do it I get horribly self concious. I really dislike how I’m looking at the moment, and despite how superficial that may sound (and I know it sounds horribly shallow) it’s stopping me from doing a video. But I am determined that it will happen in the next couple of days.
I’m also thinking of adding a page where people can write messages / share stories of their own illnesses. It would be anonymous of course, but what does everyone think of that idea?
It’s still been frustrating trying to get publicity for the project, and Robert Pattinson is getting harder and harder to contact. But we will get there, I’m determined that he should at least know about what he helped inspire, and that he was part of a much bigger, broader picture.
Thank you again <3 <3
Em x
“How do you find your way back in the dark?”
There’s something so incredibly moving about the fact that those were the last words Marilyn Monroe ever said on film (The Misfits, 1961). It’s beautiful and sad and moving, all at the same time.
Slowly picking myself back up.
I wanted to forget all about everything but you can’t do that. And the idea of EmsCharityKiss wouldn’t leave me alone. I kept receiving these amazing emails from people, sharing encouragement and their own stories. For whatever reason, this engaged with people on a personal level and that’s really important.
I believe in what I’m doing, so I’m going to keep going.
I’m so ashamed, I’ve just let everything get to me.
I feel like a shell. I have zero confidence in my ability to even go forward with anything, let alone something as monumentous as emscharitykiss.
I’ve had lovely people helping me, and tons of support. But maybe I was the wrong girl for it all along? Maybe if it had been someone else it would have worked out better?
I’ve been scared to update on here, scared to check my follower list. I saw people unfollowing me and wanted to cry and hide again, because it’s easier to ignore it than face the fact that I let it all get to me.
I haven’t even kept up with what Robert Pattinson has been up to. I heard about @theEllenShow thing with the fan called Megan from Melbourne, and that made me feel sad and sorry for myself. At this point though, I feel so shit that even if he turned around and said “Yes, I’ll do it” I don’t even think I could.
As far as depression and mental illness goes – I live with these issues every day. They have been and are always the focus. I can’t escape it. Things now are pretty low, and I know I tend to say that a lot. But now I really feel like the lingering drive in me to prove people wrong has just fizzled out.
I don’t know what to do. It obviously takes a braver person than I to stick to something like this.
Someone I knew all of my life is suddenly gone, and this grief feels inescapable.
It’s echoing through the walls of the house, and hanging over everyone like a dust cloud.
I’m here but not here.
I’ve been wrestling alot with myself lately.
The truth is, I haven’t been doing very well at all. I’ve become withdrawn, and I’ve hardly been online to update much and I’m very sorry for that.
I really don’t know what else to do. I know that to go forward from here with EmsCharityKiss I need to be a lot more organised and determined than I have been before. This seems to get harder every day rather than easier.
This is what depression is. It isn’t glamorous, it isn’t a fad for celebrity. Depression is regretting waking up in the morning. Depression is wanting to stay in bed all day. Being anxious about looking on Facebook to see what other people are up to. Thinking that everyone seems so busy and productive compared to you. Thinking that you are a waste of space and time.
I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy.
But I’m still here.
A good friend of mine Sam was gracious enough to interview me for her friend’s magazine here in Australia, Onya Magazine.
Onya Magazine is an “online mag & web zine (in late 2010 a print one too). Entirely focused on Australian businesses, musicians, lifestyle, artists, people, politics, issues, ideas, environment, fashion, culture & beauty.”
I really enjoyed the interview and it is another amazing opportunity to get the word out about the cause. Thank you so much Sam and Onya Magazine!
Megan is one of the one in five Australians suffering from mental illness, having had depression for over ten years. Used to shutting herself away and being reclusive, the softly spoken 28 year old decided enough was enough.
“I really do feel that my life was stopped somewhere along the line – like everything and everyone is moving ahead faster and getting further and further away,” Megan says. “People I went to school with have careers and families. My cousins whom I adore are all forging their own paths, moving faster than me. I know everyone has a different way through life, and that my illness hasn’t been the only thing holding me back. It’s useless to compare myself to others, but I do. I think everyone does it to a certain extent. But I really believe that I should embrace the differences rather than feel burdened by them.”
Click on the logo to read the rest of the interview!
I was lucky enough to be interviewed about EmsCharityKiss by Roynette Brown, from SayWhatNews recently, and today the edition of the digital magazine hit the net!
Here is an excerpt from the interview:
SayWhatNews: Have you received any emails from people thanking you for your blog because it has helped them? If so, how does it make you feel knowing that you are helping others?
Megan: I have actually, and that has been one of the most amazing parts about doing EmsCharityKiss. So many people have been willing to contact me and share their own stories. These people are all so brave and their stories are heartbreaking. It’s just such a shame that there is still a stigma about mental illness that people see it as something to hide, or be ashamed of.
SayWhatNews: If you get the chance to meet Robert Pattinson and get that first kiss:
What will you say to him?
Megan: “Thank you for not taking this in a bad way!”
Click on the Cover to see the rest of the interview!
